Dearest Young Sir,
At your refusal to vacate the premises on good terms with management I feel compelled to attempt a different strategy before more forceful methods are introduced. We have prepared an incentive package we hope you will find enticing.
We are prepared to offer you;
Your Brother was offered cupcakes on his due date however since that time we have become a dairy, egg, nut, and glutton free family. Banana cake is what is now being offered in predigested liquid form lui of these changes.
Never Before Seen...
This will not take effect immediately as your vison will be limited upon your exit however in store for you we have such things as; snowmen, mud puddles, puppies, bubbles and trains among many others.
You will be welcomed into a family who want very much to meet you. Please don't let the unique octave range of your brother factor into your decision to join us but please be advised that it gets louder without the buffer of the Five Star Uterus Lining and ample padding that has been provided to you.
This is a word that until now you may only be able to associate with swallowing amniotic fluid, finger sucking and leg stretching. When you leave the FSU however you will be greeted with many more possibilities. Yesterday alone Your father and Brother went for a bunny hunt in the forest, made popcorn, ate watermelon, played hungry tiger, read a bin of books, and made up three songs...about you. You and I unfortunately were excluded from these activities due to our collective currant state.
Continued five star service
I realize I may have acted in haste when I suggested you leave without having any future resources established to meet your needs. In consideration of this fact, we apologize for overlooking, I am prepared to meet your needs in the same caliber you have grown accustomed to. Included but not limited to this are; 24 hour on call diaper, swaddle and food services, unlimited gushing, cuddling and kissing.
We hope this incentive package is to your liking.
Lovingly your landlord,