Thursday, December 31, 2009

Dose of Perspective

This morning I went in early for a growth determination ultrasound for Gabriel. It is not only me who thinks he is growing quite my midwife thought an ultrasound was in order to see exactly HOW big.

When I was leaving and struggling to bend over and put my shoes on I noticed a woman quietly watching me. When I stood up and made fleeting eye contact she took the opportunity to step in a little closer. Her eyes flickered from my round middle to my eyes.

"Can I ask you something"? She shyly asked me. She asked me if I had just seen a particular Doctor in the clinic.
"No, I'm sorry I didn't; I was just here for an ultrasound, why?"
a sadness unlike any other took her over.
"oh we have been struggling with infertility for five years and I just had my fist appointment with this new Doctor. I was hoping you were also his patient; a success story".
I looked at her and saw in her face the expression of someone with such longing, of such a deep desperation, almost without hope.
As I rode the elevator down with her she told me of all the measures they had taken in the last half decade for a baby they wanted so desperately. I couldn't help cover my stomach as she talked, willing her eyes not to rest there for too long. I was unconsciously covering the intense shame and guilt I felt as she spoke. Shame for not always appreciating the degree of significance carrying ones child for nine months has on the very core of a woman's femininity. Guilt for the internal complaints I have relayed over the last weeks, anxious for this pregnancy to end, cursing the unpleasant symptoms it can bring. Those feelings as I left her with the most sincerest of well wishes turned quickly into such intense gratitude.
I am part of a miracle.

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