4 months

Today I am four months pregnant. I am split. Part of me thinks it is going by really fast; you know the organizing, nesting, cleaning, shopping part of me who can only think of all the things that I want/need to do before the arrival. The other part of me...the tired, headachey, crampy, ligament stretching, can't stop eating, really wants a little arm bundle to hold part feels it is dragging by... In four weeks however we will be able to hopefully determine if we are welcoming another player for the blue team or if I should start buying dresses (okay who are we kidding...there are bins of dresses downstairs already...remember the shopper part? It was her fault!). For a nano second I debated on not finding out and then I rolled my eyes at my own rediculousness while jon just stared at me, waiting for me to come to my sences and went on counting down the days! I enjoy having a surprise halfway through the pregnancy. There is enough surprise on the day of the delivery, I don't need it all at once. It would be too overwhemling. I hope for both so it really doesn't matter either way... I am trying not to put too much pressure on the little fetus as s/he has enough to keep themselves occupied right now, like brain development and nail growth but I can't help sneaking little jabs at the poor kid all day when Ben does somthing really "Ben". He has been calling me "Bud" (which makes me think I need to work on establishing more defined bounderies in our parent/child relationship???!!!)
"Ben do you want to come downstairs with Mommy"?
"Sure Bud"!

I lauphed really hard the first time (and tenth time) he said this and can;t help but address the addition in the same thought..."your brother is so cute and hilarious...you will be too right? right???" Really no pressure...but there are some pretty big shoes in your wake... We will love this child in their own way of course but my only reference point is Ben so it is hard not to compare. What if this baby is funny looking (would I know it?!) and is void of personality, cries all the time and doesn't sleep...what if they are a picky eater who throws tantrums? What would I do then? I don't think this will be the case as Ben is a good influance and is oh so excited to have "our baby" come home... I think we will dote on him/her and find the cuteness through the tantrums. In the meantime little bean, you just concentrate on your ear development (they come in handy, I promise!) and I will worry about your adorable brother!