Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Stretch Marks of the Heart

My family is my world. Everything I do is for them, everything that brings me happiness is related to them. My hopes for the future revolve around them. Nothing makes me cry louder, love stronger or try harder then them. At the center of this world is the little boy I adore so deeply.

It was a different feeling then, that came as I watched that life changing line form on the stick early this spring morning. It began with a feeling of bubbly excitement, jubilation, relief and expectation. In the next moment however I was gripped with fear, anxiety and doubt. Was I enough? Could I love two in the same way I loved one? Could a bond that deep be divided. Would it mean I had to give up something, lose something with the first little boy who created in me his mother? I didn't know. In moments of enjoying the ease of parenting one I imagined what the future of two held.

It was with that first little jab, followed a few weeks later by a stronger kick that I felt a transformation begin. With the reminder of the little boy inside becoming as strong as the one on the outside I felt more then one muscle begin its stretch as the little boy grew. My middle began expanding as it has done before but I was not prepared for the muscle in my chest that began to grow bigger as well this time.

Last night I had a dream that we brought Gabriel home from the hospital. I stared at him for a long time in my dream and woke up with his face clear in my mind, the weight of him fresh in my arms. He had a startling resemblance to Ben but with more hair, a longer face and lips not quite as full. He was beautiful. I am anxious to see if this image I created of him is accurate?

I have found myself lost in thought and wonderment of this new little boy. With the pull of my heart as it grows to accommodate two I feel the confidence to bond with him. I can focus on the richness of our lives with more children in it. The positive things that come with a family of four. I am anxious to witness the relationship of siblings, of brothers. I can't wait to say "my boys". I am not afraid anymore. I know I will love them both together, I am enough...my world has grown a little brighter and a little bigger; my chest has the stretch marks to prove it.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

Im love your blog, and Im secretly glad you are having a boy.. seems like everyone is having girls. Im glad Kiefer will have a friend (who is a boy) to play with.

Congratulations by the way!

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