Before your nap today I used a voice today that you didn't deserve to hear.
I was tired. And feeling sad from a story I read, about a family that reminded me of us. Something tragic happened to them, and it made me so sad, and mad that things like that happen. I was frustrated with...stuff and I forgot what matters....right then. Instead of smiling when you walked in, I used that voice. The one that is not for you. You were just being a little boy, doing little boy things.
My heart sank and I reached out to your outstretched arms. Sadder still that even when I hurt you, you still needed me for comfort.
Those little feelings of yours. They are quite fragile.
I know better then to risk bruising them with impatience.
As I held you tightly waiting for your body to stop trembling with insult, willing forgiveness to take over. I thought of all the times I have held you over the last few years. Most significantly the first time.
I remember so clearly all the promises I made to you as a brand new Mother who wanted so badly to do what no one before me had. I promised to be your perfect Mother. I would never yell or be cranky or tired or...impatient.
I am not perfect. But how I wanted to be. For you.
Maybe I can make up the difference in love. Because that love, sweet boy, gets deeper as the years go by.
Sometimes I can't even breath I love you so bad. You, and that little brother of yours.
I hope you know that, even when you are sad. Because of me.
When you wake up, I will hug you again. I will read you whatever books you want and let you eat a freezie before supper. I will remember that you are just a little boy when you mark up the couch with pen and rip the screen out of the door...only to turn to me with pride.
I will remember that these days will be missed when the windows are free of hand prints and there is no bubble bath to be emptied into the tub.