Redo

Hi Ben.

Before your nap today I used a voice today that you didn't deserve to hear.

I was tired. And feeling sad from a story I read, about a family that reminded me of us. Something tragic happened to them, and it made me so sad, and mad that things like that happen. I was frustrated with...stuff and I forgot what matters....right then. Instead of smiling when you walked in, I used that voice. The one that is not for you. You were just being a little boy, doing little boy things.

Your smile disappeared and your lip popped out. Your shoulders fell and your eyes filled with tears. You backed away from me while simultaneously reaching out to me.

My heart sank and I reached out to your outstretched arms. Sadder still that even when I hurt you, you still needed me for comfort.

Those little feelings of yours. They are quite fragile.

I know better then to risk bruising them with impatience.

As I held you tightly waiting for your body to stop trembling with insult, willing forgiveness to take over. I thought of all the times I have held you over the last few years. Most significantly the first time.

I remember so clearly all the promises I made to you as a brand new Mother who wanted so badly to do what no one before me had. I promised to be your perfect Mother. I would never yell or be cranky or tired or...impatient.

I am not perfect. But how I wanted to be. For you.

Maybe I can make up the difference in love. Because that love, sweet boy, gets deeper as the years go by.

Sometimes I can't even breath I love you so bad. You, and that little brother of yours.

I hope you know that, even when you are sad. Because of me.

When you wake up, I will hug you again. I will read you whatever books you want and let you eat a freezie before supper. I will remember that you are just a little boy when you mark up the couch with pen and rip the screen out of the door...only to turn to me with pride.
 I will remember that these days will be missed when the windows are free of hand prints and there is no bubble bath to be emptied into the tub.

I will do better.