Redo

Hi Ben.

Before your nap today I used a voice today that you didn't deserve to hear.

I was tired. And feeling sad from a story I read, about a family that reminded me of us. Something tragic happened to them, and it made me so sad, and mad that things like that happen. I was frustrated with...stuff and I forgot what matters....right then. Instead of smiling when you walked in, I used that voice. The one that is not for you. You were just being a little boy, doing little boy things.

Your smile disappeared and your lip popped out. Your shoulders fell and your eyes filled with tears. You backed away from me while simultaneously reaching out to me.

My heart sank and I reached out to your outstretched arms. Sadder still that even when I hurt you, you still needed me for comfort.

Those little feelings of yours. They are quite fragile.

I know better then to risk bruising them with impatience.

As I held you tightly waiting for your body to stop trembling with insult, willing forgiveness to take over. I thought of all the times I have held you over the last few years. Most significantly the first time.

I remember so clearly all the promises I made to you as a brand new Mother who wanted so badly to do what no one before me had. I promised to be your perfect Mother. I would never yell or be cranky or tired or...impatient.

I am not perfect. But how I wanted to be. For you.

Maybe I can make up the difference in love. Because that love, sweet boy, gets deeper as the years go by.

Sometimes I can't even breath I love you so bad. You, and that little brother of yours.

I hope you know that, even when you are sad. Because of me.

When you wake up, I will hug you again. I will read you whatever books you want and let you eat a freezie before supper. I will remember that you are just a little boy when you mark up the couch with pen and rip the screen out of the door...only to turn to me with pride.
 I will remember that these days will be missed when the windows are free of hand prints and there is no bubble bath to be emptied into the tub.

I will do better.

A Little Project...

I love it!

Is It A Fort? A Cave? A Ship? A Rocket? All Three?

Ben loves to build forts so it was an obvious choice for his birthday to get him this kit that you can make all sorts of structures out of. He loves it! All I need is a sheet, a flashlights, snacks and books and he is good for the morning!

What's Your Name?

I like nick names. It is a factor in name selection and Jacob has some obvious ones. I noticed the other day that Jacob wasn't responding to his name when I called him from the other side of the room. He looked at me when he heard my voice but wouldn't achnoledge his name... I continued
"Jake!....Jakey, Jake Jake, Jakes, Jay, Jay Jay, Baby Jakey, Chubs, Chub Chub, Chubalicious, Bubby, Bubbs, Sweeties, Cutie pie....
Nothin. Huh. I wonder what the problem is? Certainly he is not confused or something.

A Birthday Wish

I heard a question proposed recently that made me really think.

"If you could go back to the day of your child's birth what would you do?"



How I wish I had known, on that first day of Motherhood all that I know now. I would take a picture of every tiny inch of that wrinkly purple skin, bottle that smell and not let anyone else hold you...until tomorrow.
I would count every hair on your head and stroke the downy softness of your back as you mold into my chest in a tight little ball. I would kiss every little toe and finger. I would memorize the curve of your ears and the hint of your eyebrows. I would imagine the little boy ahead, laughing, playing, yelling, running.
I would count all your parts and tally who you got the best from.
I wouldn't be so afraid.
Terrified.
Overwhelmed.
Self conscious.
worried.
I would relax and watch you. Savor you. And the process of falling in love.

If I could go back to that day I would realize how quickly it would pass.
How quickly it would all pass.
I would remind myself  not to get lost in the details. I wouldn't worry about lack of sleep, snuffly noses, matching socks or what the "experts" have to say. I would promise to laugh more and leave the dishes. 

If I could go back to the day of your birth, I would feel like it was just yesterday and yet when I look at you today-  a laughing, playing, yelling, running birthday boy, it feels so long ago.

Happy Birthday, my sweet sweet boy.

I love every inch of you and every moment of being your Mother.

Mommy
xoxo

7 Months!

1- You sit really well...I can just plunk you down anywhere now.
2- You REALLY want to crawl
3- You draw a crowd like no baby I have ever seen. When people look at you, you immediately grin and when they smile back you bust into your infectious giggle. Before long more than one admirer gathers. I learned the hard way that letting ONE ten year old at the park hold you on the bench is equal to throwing a piece of bread to ONE seagull. Within moments there are flocks of them and you are being passed around like a grinning, giggling, adored baby doll.
4- you eat ANYTHING put in front of you...your favorites are banana, apple and Grandma's carrots.
5- You love to be rocked and cuddled to sleep. You love is so much in fact that some nights we do it six times!
6- You have been, and continue to be such an easy going and happy baby.
7-You love to play action games and songs like "if you're happy and you know it", "zoom, zoom, zoom", "A smooth Road" and "the wheels on the bus". If you are upset (in the car...you don't love your carseat...) Daddy can sing "the Noah's ark song" the real name I have no idea of and you will immediately stop fussing and laugh- only Daddy though!

You are such a sweet, precious little member of our family! We love you SO much!

Ben's Logic

"Are you still hungry Ben?"

"Nope! I'm full."

"How do you know?"

"Because my belly button popped out!"

Happily Ever After

Ben has a very good friend named Ruby. Sadly she is going to be moving back to Alberta in a couple of weeks but before her parents steel her away from young love we got to borrow her for a morning. Although we didn't previously support arranged marriages I say we have a winning combination here! Can't you just see them in 25 years...fulfilling their dreams of running an ice cream parlor together?


We will miss you Snells!!!!

Some Video Highlights For the Absentee Grandparents...

My Mom and Dad have been gone for the summer...I imagine they are missing their favorite grandsons by now so I am going to post a few videos to catch them on the big changes that have happened around here since they left...you know, new foods....new sitting skills...new songs...

Here is the start of Ben's music video highlights...There are a lot of videos... some he plays a guitar in...whooo hooo...so stay tuned for that!


Good ol You Tube. If it's good enough for Justin Beiber, it is good enough for my Ben I always say (well since about 6 minutes ago when he became famous...)

Happy 600 posts!!!!

Here's to me! And my blog commitment...

And of course to Avocado;s. I do love them so much.
(I am going to regret posting this picture).
...
(yup. I do)
(It was the only picture of me on my camera though...)
(What? Are you telling me you don't take photo's of yourself pretending to eat entire plates of guacomole?)
(Oh please.)

Just Watching My Brother...

Jacob watches Ben in Awe.

Awe.

He is watching and waiting for all the things he is going to do. As a result he is developing his skills faster then I care for. He has been sitting for awhile now but every time he gets into a crawl stance I pick him up for a cuddle and a gentle reminder that he is a BABY! No crawling before 9 months ... at least!

My Life is Never Dull...

At the grocery store (why do so many of these posts begin this way...why oh why do I keep trying to bring the kids with me anyway???) today I was distracted by a woman who was not eating one grape to see if they were good out of a bag before putting it in her cart but helping herself to small bunches from several bags. These grapes all looked like they came out of the best grape crop ever and in no way warranted a taste...but I didn't care about her grape theft as much as I did about getting myself a bag she hadn't already manhandled and germied up. As I was thinking her really gross and dishonest I was interrupted,

"uh, Ma am?" (let's go back to that for a moment...when did I make the jump from "Ms." to "Ma am???" ew. It makes me feel frumpy.)

I looked beside me to see a woman awkwardly pointing at my son (you know...the one that starts with a "B").

He was hanging out the cart behind me....licking all the cantaloupes. 

On a bright note, I did save some money by going to a store without a toy isle. Ben left happily instead with a 6 pack of tin pie plates that he just HAD to have (????)  To have an incredibly co operative boy (who licks a cantaloupe now and then) for $1.89 sounds like a deal to me.

A Wishing Flower

We were walking today on the path between the ponds behind our house. Ben was walking as slowly as he could and Jacob was fussy in the sweaty wrap. I was short of patience in that moment...compliments of the humidity and asked Ben, AGAIN to please walk with Mommy.

"Wait! there is a wishing flower! Can I get the wishing flower?"

"Yes, Ben. One wish."

He grinned that toothy grin and blew as hard as he could with his eyes squeezed shut. He opened them to a scattering of seeds in the air. He smiled content that his wish had taken off.

"What did you wish for, buddy?"

"You."

"Oh? Anything else?"

"No. Just...you."

And he slipped his hand back into mine.

We Have A Foodie!

Jacob loves food...any kind, as much as you will give him! Pears, apples, cereal, mum mum's, tomato soup, avacodo, banana, apricots, sweet potato, squahsh and carrots is what he plowed through in a week! The kid can't get enough!

He gets so excited for more between bites that he waves his arms and jumps in his seat waiting for more.

I know better than to feed him from a glass bowl though, I had to go get a cloth (he is a little messy...) and he tried to feed himself. Jacob-bionic-arms reached halfways across the table and discovered the annoying thing about ceramic floors...anything that hits them, smashes into  a bazillion peices. But no glass shards in the eyes makes for a good lunch experiance still...fortunatly there was more sweet potato to start round 2!