Guide To Being Two Years Old.

Benjamin Alexander's Guide to Being Two Years Old

1- Pick a day when your Mommy is obviously a bit more tired/sore/cranky/pregnant than usual.

2- Don't say anything in a normal pitch or octave. This will make your Mommy's ears ring by ten am. She likes that.

3- Help Mommy make breakfast. Pour your orange juice into the container of raisins she is putting in your oatmeal. Then she will give you the whole container to cram as many as you can in your mouth before she has to throw them out.

4- Help Mommy make soup for supper. Grab a handful of raw diced squash off the counter and put it quickly in your mouth. Cry really hard and spit it on the floor because it is gross and not even close to the cantaloupe you thought it was.

5- When Mommy takes the hot soup off the stove to puree in the blender make sure you shriek really loud for no apparent reason as she is about to turn it on so she will forget to shut the cap tightly and scalding hot soup will spray all over her hands.

6- Don't tell Daddy when Mommy says the "s" word because her hands are burnt and there is soup running off the cupboards.

7- While Mommy is cleaning up the soup take all the winter clothes out of the coat closet and scatter randomly throughout the house.

8- Go with Mommy to see who is at the door. When you see it is a package that needs signing quickly calculate the 7 seconds that will take her. Exactly enough time to try to flush an entire roll of toilet paper down the toilet. Done.

9- Only eat popcorn and pears for lunch.

10- Rip all the flaps from your peek-a-boo books out while you wait for Mommy to get your nap bottle.

11- Practice your skills in determination and perseverance by not letting your eyes close no matter how tired you are. Sing as loud as you can in your crib for 2 hours and see how many times you can get Mommy to come back upstairs even though she said "this is the last time" last time.

12- When Mommy doesn't come back up take off all your clothes, your crib sheets, pillow case, put it in a pile and pee all over it.

13- Throw everything out of the crib and jump on your bare crib mattress yelling for Mommy until she finally comes in (note her hair sticking up, your snot on her shirt and the way her eyes won't quite open the whole way).

14- Nod appreciatively as Mommy tells you how Naughty it is to take off all your clothes and pee. When she takes your pile of wet bed clothes out of the room take an opportunity to pee again...aim for your stuffed bear on the floor.

15- Wonder how Mommy gets her face to get that purple.

16- After Mommy takes you out of the crib run into her bedroom while she wipes out the wet crib again and is to distracted to notice you in the forbidden room.

17- Get a half full water bottle off of her nightstand and pour it down the hallway making a pond.

18- Listen to Mommy talking to Daddy on the phone...You would also like him to know that today would be a day to come home a bit early if he can! You have lots of energy left!

19- As soon as Mommy hangs up the phone, run over as fast as you can and wrap your arms around her. Watch the purple drain from her face and her eyes start to open a little wider. Say very loudly "I LUB YOU SO MUCH MOMMY!" Then she will kiss you and give you a cookie.

20- When Daddy comes home flash your biggest grin (Yes, THIS one)




to welcome him home and listen while he says to Mommy "I don't see what the problem is, he seems great!"

All in a days work!