Our Handy (little) Man

Ben has discovered tools! Gramma came across Jon's old set and passed them on to Ben's delight. By his birthday he had graduated from his vintage Fischer price set to a full set of Dewalt tools just his size. He spends a portion of every day inside and out fixing "stuff". He knows the name of all the tools and what each one of them do. I have even found him sneaking into the garage this week to get into daddy's tools...I suppose chain locks are in order on the tops of our doors now that he has mastered the deadbolt- maybe I should have him install them!

And Ben Learns to Manipulate...

Ben had a checkered red sheet on his bed when he went down for a nap yesterday.

"Mommy, fire truck sheet on"?

"Next time you need new sheets we will put on the firetruck ones, these ones are still clean".

He laid down and that was that...so I thought. Little did I know he had begun plotting.

Late last night (for a two year old) Jon and I hear

"Mommy Daddy- Mommy Daddy I NEED YOU". He usually only says this when in fact he really does in fact need us so Jon went up.

"Jenn I need you"!

These are not words I like to hear.

I walk in to see Jon taking off the less favorable red sheets and Ben standing in a puddle of urine, holding a dry diaper in one hand and his pajama bottoms in his other hand.

We have discussed the privilege of wearing two piece pajamas to bed (they come with dump trucks, superman and fire engines and are more desirable then one piece jammies with nothing of note on them.

"Ben do you take your diaper off in your bed?"

"NOOOOOOOOO"! " That make mommy sad. That make Daddy sad. That make Grammie sad".

"You're right Ben, you keep our diaper on if you want to wear digger jammies".

"Ya!"

I pick him up to put his diaper back on and he is avoiding eye contact.

"mommy sad now?" he asks without looking at me.

" Yes Ben, peeing in your bed does make mommy a little sad because I know you know not to do that".

"Sowwy Mommy".

He says nothing for a moment and finally looks at me with his tongue literally in his cheek and his eyes shifting to the side.

"Firetruck sheets on bed now?"

Grins and Giggles Compliments of You Know Who...

Ben oozes a type of precociousness that makes us laugh daily. He is quick with his two year old opinion and is not easy to reason with (I have NO idea where he gets this from...). He is demanding and expressive with a big ol mind of his own. Here are some recent gems...

***Ben has many words of his own, affectionately called "Beneez"

Some of my favorites...

Oatmeal "meat meat meal"
Medicine "medicincation"
Lobsters "water cows"
Bib "Boo Boo"
belly button "tummy button"

***Tonight I said "goodnight Benny, I love you". I shut the door and waited for the usual "night night mommy" through the door. Instead I heard a sob of protest that quickly turned into a hickuppy wail. Unlike him, I opened the door again- "What is it Ben?"

"Mommy say "sweetheart"... he chocked out.

ohhhhh "Goodnight sweetheart, I love you".
"Night night Mommy".

*** Ben has a new nut free trail mix he enjoys snacking on with seeds and dried fruit, complete with little dairy free chocolate chips. He was eating a bowl of them in his chair this afternoon contentedly and I half noticed him put the empty plate on the counter. A little while later he came up to me picking his nose that had dark brown matter caked around his nostril. He was picking at it with his finger and promptly putting it his mouth. I thought perhaps he had suffered his first nose bleed as a result of said nose picking and it was dried blood around his nose. I grabbed his finger before round two and he protested "No Mommy!" and tried to get back to his nose. I could smell his finger at that point and realized it was in fact chocolate. I suppose he thought that his nose was a good a place as any to store the rare treat. Judging from the amount I could see when I tilted his head back...there were more then a few up there, melted and dripping out slowly to be caught by his finger and popped in his mouth. I tried to dig out as much as I could with a Kleenex (to his yells to the contrary) and was grateful for the inevitable sneezing fit that ensued, spraying more then a few chips worth of chocolate out. I hope this is not the start of something new!

A Grand and Mythical Creature

Ben and I (I being J(Ben's Dad)) were playing in the back yard yesterday, when we were met head on by a green monster from the swamp...it looked at us, blinked, flicked its tongue and then croaked at us. Ben had just had his first encounter with every boy's 'unicorn'...a frog.



"I hold it!! I hold it now!!!" was all I heard, so it was my turn to brush off those 20 years of rust in frog catching and show my little boy how it was done. After a little bit of wrangling and missed attempts we captured the beast.

Ben was quite intrigued to watch it hop in the jar we had imprisoned it in, he would jump and say "RIBBIT" as he watched with awe, then he repeated "I hold it!! I hold it NOW!!!!"



I gave him the run down of the frog safety tips...
1)Don't look it in the eyes
2)Don't squeeze it
3)Don't lick the frog pee of your hand
4)Don't kiss it, despite what Disney would have you believe it will not turn into a princess (I learned that the hard way)

He was now ready to fulfill his boyhood destiny by holding the frog. He reached his hand into the container and then...

The frog jumped at Ben with such might and determination that Ben pulled his hand back and his curiosity quickly turned to surprise and then terror as the frog went on the offensive with a mighty hop.





Through the sobs and looks of horror on his face I could still make out a broken "I hold it!! I hold it nowww".

We let our prisoner free and I'm sure we will be out hunting again next weekend.

Imagine What a Little Encouragement Could Do?...

Today I received the most lovely message on my answering machine. It came from someone I don't know well, who admittedly has become a "blog groupie". She told me of her admiration for my efforts, how much she enjoys my blog, my insights and the kind of mother and wife I am. I melted (and narcististically pressed "SAVED"). Once my head deflated a bit and I tried to humbly absorb the unexpected flattery I realized what stuck out the most was something she explained in passing, "I just wanted to tell you this because I don't think we tell each other nice things enough". I assume by "WE" she meant all woman. I thought about the last time I had pulled aside a peer; a wife and mother struggling with the responsibility of it all, and said "I notice you, and I think you are doing a great job", or simply "I admire your efforts"? Sadly I don't think I ever have. I think for the most part woman live on the defensive. We compete, we undermine, we quietly disagree or turn up our noses. We judge, we gossip, we nitpick. All this to build ourselves up, to grasp at some indirect proof of our success, if only because we have spotted someone doing a worse job on some level. It is a vicious cycle and the true root of our oppression. Imagine where we could be with some support? Imagine if we held up one another in validation? Imagine if we were there to catch one another when we fell, truly free of judgement or gloat? We would be powerful, amazing, capable.

As the recent recipient of such a rare moment of external validation, one that I wasn't even fully aware I was in need of I can attest to it's power. I am confident that I have the approval of my husband and son, I feel appreciated and that I am doing well. Why then the periods of self doubt, of insecurity, of meekness? That void was addressed today as it was filled, with a few kind and inspired words from a peer. It matters what "WE" think of one another. It is only "WE" who know the weight of the pressure to succeed, to do it all and to not let it break us. It is "WE" who know what it feels like to do it side by side and simultaneously doing it alone.

More then a boost to my ego I am most appreciative of the example set. It will serve as reminder to me not to, on some level, perceive another woman's success as threatening to my own, to not judge anthers weakness before understanding her story. I will not hold back words of encouragement, awe or congratulations again. It is not a competition. It is a shared objective. We can get there together.

Time to Come Up WIth Our New 5 Year Plan!

One September 4th 2004 I got in my car on my way to East Side Mario's. I had tediously stepped into the world of on line dating a couple of months before under the guise of "just seeing who is out there"...like 99% of the other potential hope fulls claimed to be doing. I was a full time student with a full time job. I did not have time for the kind of social life I had in the past. Unless the pizza delivery man was a real catch I was going to be successfully single until I graduated. I took the future of my lonely self into my own hands then, literally at the keyboard with a catchy introduction and a flattering picture I waited to see who was interested. I had a top ten list I would not budge from. I was not desperate or over 50...I had time on my side so I could be picky. He must be:
1-tall
2-dark
3-handsome
4-educated/intelligent
5-funny
6-free of a criminal record (these are not in order of priority...)
7-kind
8-thoughtful
9-enjoy dogs and children
10-think I am marvelous

Amazingly there were many men on this site that met much of the criteria. It was easy to see after a few emails and a phone conversation that a spark was missing. Then I saw his picture.
He was tall. Dark. Handsome. After spending most of the night hours and into the morning on instant messenger I knew he was both intelligent, funny and on the verge of thinking I was quite marvelous. Was he whole package though? He seemed too good to be true. We spoke on the phone. We continued to instant message for hours (to later find out he saved every one of these conversations). Three weeks later we set up a date. September 4th. 5:00pm East Side Mario's. He was half an hour early...I was five minutes late. I had to go back to the parking lot when I saw him. His grainy emailed pictures had not done him justice. He was REALLY tall, Really dark and REALLY handsome. I wanted to go home and get changed- get my hair done...get a nose job... I was ten minutes late now. This would have to do.

We had fallen in love over a screen and thus a hug nor a handshake seemed appropriate now that we were face to face. He went for the handshake, I went for the hug... We sat down awkwardly becoming multi sensory people. He smelled better then I imagined. His hair was shiny, five o clock shadow just right. His teeth were brilliantly white and a smile, when his eyes lost their nervous edge made me feel like I was glowing. When I spoke he listened, when I laughed he laughed, when his hand accidentally brushed across mine he jumped not quite immediately. There was a spark all right. There was a fire. I didn't want to complete a life without this man in front of me at my side. My Mother and God both witnessed my breathless exclamation; "I will Marry him. We will have lots of babies and be happy forever!" I did, we are and we will be!

We have done so much in the last five years; one eight month relationship, one fourteen month engagement, one wedding, two houses, four cars, one van, a puppy, four job changes and one and a half children later our dreams remain on course.

My feelings for the tall, dark handsome man of my dreams have only intensified as I have watched him grow into himself as a man of fatherhood, faith and family. I am so proud of him. I am so grateful for him, for all that he does and is.
Though intense, these feelings have settled into a place of comfort. It is when occasionally now he will look at me a certain way, he laughs just so or walks in the room at the right time that my stomach leaps in the same way it did five years ago. Those are the moments I am reminded how lucky I am. How lucky we are to have found what is worth more then all else. Love.

Stretch Marks of the Heart

My family is my world. Everything I do is for them, everything that brings me happiness is related to them. My hopes for the future revolve around them. Nothing makes me cry louder, love stronger or try harder then them. At the center of this world is the little boy I adore so deeply.

It was a different feeling then, that came as I watched that life changing line form on the stick early this spring morning. It began with a feeling of bubbly excitement, jubilation, relief and expectation. In the next moment however I was gripped with fear, anxiety and doubt. Was I enough? Could I love two in the same way I loved one? Could a bond that deep be divided. Would it mean I had to give up something, lose something with the first little boy who created in me his mother? I didn't know. In moments of enjoying the ease of parenting one I imagined what the future of two held.

It was with that first little jab, followed a few weeks later by a stronger kick that I felt a transformation begin. With the reminder of the little boy inside becoming as strong as the one on the outside I felt more then one muscle begin its stretch as the little boy grew. My middle began expanding as it has done before but I was not prepared for the muscle in my chest that began to grow bigger as well this time.

Last night I had a dream that we brought Gabriel home from the hospital. I stared at him for a long time in my dream and woke up with his face clear in my mind, the weight of him fresh in my arms. He had a startling resemblance to Ben but with more hair, a longer face and lips not quite as full. He was beautiful. I am anxious to see if this image I created of him is accurate?

I have found myself lost in thought and wonderment of this new little boy. With the pull of my heart as it grows to accommodate two I feel the confidence to bond with him. I can focus on the richness of our lives with more children in it. The positive things that come with a family of four. I am anxious to witness the relationship of siblings, of brothers. I can't wait to say "my boys". I am not afraid anymore. I know I will love them both together, I am enough...my world has grown a little brighter and a little bigger; my chest has the stretch marks to prove it.